The King of Football belched loudly. His wet throat-rattle echoed throughout the banquet hall. It bounced into the dimly lit corners of stone, across the heavy oaken tables arrayed in rows before him. His mouth fart was so mighty, some swear it flickered the torches hanging from the pillars.
He slouched slightly in his throne. All these fucking people here. The Duke of Third Down. The Count of Safeties and Onside Kicks. Even the insufferable Taunting Penalty Princess was there. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, he remembered the aphorism. The crown was also made of pigskin and kicking tees, so it was quite uncomfortable.
The King of Football knew he must address these rubes. These gawping simpletons. He farted now, but it was a silent fart. He roused slightly. His robes were made of mink, fox, and beaver pelt. All of the muskiest animals. He smelled royal. His beard was a nightmare of red wine and chicken. That bastard Pope’s gonna have my balls in a vise before the year’s up, he thought. The money’s dried up. I was a goddamn fool for converting all of our gold reserves into cryptocurrency. And in this instance, cryptocurrency was bits of rock that were chipped off of crypts from graveyards, because they are in Medieval times, you see. The Pope lent him tons of money, and the King of Football had no way to pay it back. He picked a chunk of chicken out of his beard and put it into his mouth. Fuck it, he thought. I can kick the Pope’s ass. It’ll be okay.
He stood now, not sure what to say, but the charge of a royal is leadership. “Good evening!” he boomed. His voice was deep and loud and badass. That’s probably why he was king to begin with. “Friends, countrymen, referees,”
“Tonight, we celebrate the Kingdom of Football. This feast comes but once a year, and it is always my favorite day of the year!” The crowd’s response was somewhat muted. The Prince of Third Down Bootleg Play Action Passes was particularly nonplussed, shaking his head in disapproval. They all knew the Pope would have his gentleman’s apricots between two pressboards before long. This Pope was not forgiving.
Then a mandolin chord cut through the air. It shredded the dull heat of human bodies, ringing crisp and true. More mandolin notes began filling the air, a sort of contemplative, walking the scales sequence of notes. Up through the middle aisle of tables walked Grimgoop, the Jester. He plucked the mandolin as he walked, the music filling the hall. The King of Football stood agape, his mouth slackened and ringed by chicken and red wine, remember.
“Grimgoop, I can’t believe it,” the King of Football mustered, all the color draining from his face.
The mandolin plucking touched each note of music in different places as the jester paced steadily toward the throne. “My liege,” Grimgoop said, his voice sounding like a chorus of men, “I’ve come to tell you the future.”
The King of Football collapsed back into his throne. He drew his many-ringed hand to his forehead, took a breath. “I saw that donkey kick you in the head. You died. We painted dicks on your forehead before we threw you in the swamp. How are you back?”
Grimgoop smiled rictus, a revenant trick. “Jester’s privilege,” he answered. “This is what will happen this football year:”
NFC
EAST
Dallas Star (3)
Dallas is usually good in the regular season, but remember when the Packers royally fucked them in the playoffs last year? I ‘member. It was cool. Dak Prescott is in his last year under contract, and they’ll probably move on from him after this season. What a clown show, a boner. He’ll lead another team to the playoffs over and over again. Zeke Elliot is back in town, just to showcase the ravages of time.
Washington Warriors
Washington has a hotshot new rookie quarterback, a cool running quarterback drafted at #2 overall. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Jayden Daniels will probably do well and then die on the field. Their defense might actually live up to their pedigree this year though, given the coaching change.
Philly Cheesesteaks
I’m baffled by how many NFL media heads think Philly is going to be good this year. Did you watch them at all in the second half of last season? They were absolute pig shit. A good draft doesn’t turn around a franchise in one year. Maybe they’ll be good when Kopmala Harris is our president. I dunno.
New York Blue Pork
The only franchise that picks their QB based on how much of a Nice Boy they are. Eli Manning, Daniel Jones, nobody seems to give a shit that they are horrible at the sport.
NORTH
Green Bay Packers (2)
Jordan Love is a golden god, a beautiful man. He is the Chosen One. The wide receiver room is overflowing with talent. We got Josh Jacobs, a runningback who won the rushing crown 2 years ago. The defense has athletic freaks everywhere, and the new defensive coordinator loves an attacking defense. Wake up and smell the roses babe. The Pack is back.
Motor City Madmen (5)
Sam LaPorta has a bad teenage mustache and I think it’s because he’s trying to emulate his new father figure, Head Coach Dan Quinn, and that’s just adorable.
Grizzlies
Bears fans continually gaslight themselves into thinking their team is good, now, finally. I don’t understand it. They went through it with Cutler, Trubisky, Fields, and now Caleb Williams. They try to do Magick, and speak into existence a good football team. It doesn’t work if your team fucking sucks. Sorry. The Bears Still Suck.
Minneapolis Norsemen
Injuries have already gullywumptered this team. However, their pass rush should be greatly improved. They got Andrew Van Ginkel, Jonathan Greenard, and drafted Dallas Turner. My wife is a Vikings fan, and I will tell her just to close her eyes when they are on offense. But they did steal Aaron Jones from us. Bastards.
SOUTH
Barbara Streisand (4)
The Barbara Streisand have tons of talent. They have been drafting in the top 10 for the last like, dozen years and have always used that pick on an offensive player. You’d think it’d eventually pay off. You’d think. But then again, you’d think a retarded reality TV show host with no soul could never somehow could win the Presidency, so who knows what could happen.
Tampon Gay Fuckin’ Queers (6)
Baker Mayfield, assuredly bullied by clever bullies, probably called Gayker Gayfield, is a better QB than people think. The defense still invests in fast, rangy LBs, which is something that wins games.
N’Owleans Po’Boys
One of these years, I am going to talk about how N’Owleans finally bit the bullet and ate all of their contract money that they kicked out to future years. But today is not that day.
Carolina Vagina
Carolina is a victim of a billionaire owner, as are most NFL teams, but this dummy thinks he knows about football. He’s used to walking into a room and everybody acting like he’s the smartest guy in the room. Hey, you’re rich, you must know a lot about everything! Nah, this is proof that capitalism is a failed system. Carolina might win like 3 games this year, and that’s optimistic!
WEST
San Fransisco Illicit Disco (1)
San Fransisco is a good team. I won’t deny that. I do think their fans are like, I dunno, wine-slurping millionaires. You can probably buy a hot dog at their stadium with bitcoin. You know what I mean? The dot com bubble burst, and then they keep trying to sell us shit that just kinda sucks. Like Brock Purdy. Drops his eyes when pressure comes. System quarterback.
Los Angeles Curlhorns (7)
Los Angeles will never be a football city. Too warm, too nice. No factories. All their fingernails are clean.
Arizona Redbirds
Arizona has been trying to rebuild for about 12 years. They keep doing it in the wrong order. Please build an offensive line.
Seattle Spermbirds
The gum-chewer is finally gone. Seattle feels like a defeated enemy. Where do the wins come from?
AFC
EAST
New York 9/11s (3)
Aaron Rodgers is like, extremely talented. Probably the most gifted quarterback of all time. He is a singular talent. But also, he’s kind of a stupid dickhead? I dunno. It’s hard. World historical figures might just have that in them. I’m glad I don’t have cameras on me all the time. Look how they massacred my boy.
Buffalo Soldier in the Heart of America
Nobody wants to go to Buffalo. They got wings, yeah, we stole that everywhere else. Niagra Falls is probably p cool I guess.
Miami Marlins
“You fucking suck, you don’t deserve to be here.” That’s the kind of texts the former head coach sent to Tua Tongaloviaialailala, and man, that is really shitty. If I was a head coach, I’d tell my QB he was a good boy. Y’know? Their offense is light-speed, but their D gave up a lot of points last year.
Boston Bean-Bastards
How many years do the Boston Bean-Bastards have to suck before it’s okay for them to be good again? I think about 15.
NORTH
Cincinnati Spank-Me-Daddy (1)
Cincinnati is continually misunderestimated, as George W Bush would say. Probably because the city sucks. They only have one thing, which is like putting chili on top of spaghetti? What? I do that when I’m high and drunk. Absolutely not a point of pride. Anyway, Joe Burrow is super accurate, he’s the new Tom Brady as far as running an efficient offense and hitting guys for 5 yard slants.
Balmore Blackbirds (5)
These guys try to act all cool, I dunno. Seems desperate, in some way.
Shittsburgh Fucks
Nobody knows who will be the week 1 starting QB. Will it be the shitty failed guy from Denver, or the shitty failed guy from Chicago? ^_^
Cleveland Steamers
Again, a strong defensive team but I think the rapist QB will probably not perform well. I think I wrote a similar analysis about Shittsburgh in 2012 or so.
SOUTH
Houston Cows (2)
Can’t believe the Packers vs. Texans game is a regular-ass noon game, and not a primetime showcase. CJ Stroud is a really good QB. The Packers and Texans are brother teams, wherein our offense is young and promising, but our defense is….ehhh. This game will be high scoring.
Tennesse Poop ‘n Pee (7)
Tennesse weirdly made a lot of really strong moves in this offseason. I saw all of them when they happened, but afterward I was like “Damn shawty, okay!”
Indy Cindy
Don’t play a runningback at quarterback.
North Florida Retirees
I don’t even care. Honestly. People in northern Florida are fucking mutants. This team doesn’t even make sense. Most of the locals are way more into the Florida Gators college team. They think Tim Tebow is good. I will not care about them.
WEST
Kansas City Arrowheads (4)
I’d imagine the breakup would cause a wave of political unrest. Buildings burning. Horrible optics.
Vacant Stadium Chargers (6)
Jimb Harbaw is a fucking piece of shit and I hope he gets eaten by fucking bugs.
South Park Cows
South Park looks like they have a good QB. Bo Nix has a short name, but a big arm. He might be the future in the mountain west.
Las Vegas Gamblers
I’d rather be a loser team for a decade and accumulate good picks than be in this weird mediocrity that Las Vegas has been in. These guys can’t win any important games.
The Jester descends his chords, and the lights from the torches slowly flicker into nothing.
Grimgoop smiles widely, almost too widely, and he walks away from the castle.
LAR (7) @ GB (2)*
TB (6) @ DAL (3)*
DET (5)* @ ATL (4)
TEN (7) @ HOU (2)*
LAC (6) @ NYJ (3)*
BAL (5)* @ KC (4)
DET (5) @ SF (1)
DAL (3) @ GB (2)
BAL (5) @ CIN (1)
NYJ (3) @ HOU (2)
GB (2) @ SF (1)
BAL (5) @ HOU (2)
GB (2) @ BAL (5)
Packers win the Super Bowl. Yay!!!!!!!!!!
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