The other day, I was staggering around my neighborhood, stray cat tucked beneath my arm and a gas-soaked rag kissed to my nose, as I am wont to do. I came upon the entrance to a corn maze. I was puzzled. This hadn’t been here a few minutes ago, when I’d had an intense shouting match with a neighbor, demanding he stop beaming propaganda directly into my dreams. In a moment of caprice, I threw my better judgment aside and wandered in. Why not? A corn maze could be fun.
The stalks towered above me, seeming to sway in patterned intervals, dancing in a lavender breeze. I thought not of what path I should take, turning left and right and left again down the corridors, simply enchanted by the electronic chiming sound the plants made when I tapped them. “Buddy, maybe you ought to quit bogarting that rag and give me a hit,” said my feline companion. “In a moment,” I smiled at him. He rolled his eyes.
Soon I came upon a clearing. A great circular space of flattened cornstalks. Dusk was falling, so all was quite dim, but I could just make out the form of several other figures gathered in this space. “Hello,” I called, sounding partly like a greeting and partly like a question.
“Greetings!” came a brassy and commanding voice. So taken aback was I, I scarcely noticed the cat mashing his little catflap face into my gas rag. “Welcome to the Corn Maze of Clorvius!” A fire suddenly sprang to life in the middle of the clearing. The figures in the shadows stepped closer to the fire, and I was able to see their forms as I asked “Corn Maze of Clovius, what the fuck?!”
The figure that spoke to me was a twelve-foot tall turkey wearing a pilgrim’s hat. “Why yes, the Corn Maze of Clovius! The home of the Gods of Autumn! Sort of like Mount Olympus is for the Greek gods, but the Corn Maze of Clovius is for the Gods of Autumn. Do you get it? You get it. Hahaha!” he said, thunderous voice clapping through beak.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of the Gods of Autumn,” I said.
“Nonsense!” the giant pilgrimturkey answered, “Every inquisitive little boy like you knows of us,”
“I am 35 years old-“
“I am Turkor! The God of the Harvest. I am the centerpiece of the traditional meal, celebrating the collection of the summer’s bounty. The meal you call Thanksgroining.”
“It’s Thanksgiv-“
“And of course you know Big Poppa Pumpkin!”
He gestured with his wing to one of the other gods. Big Poppa Pumpkin was a squat human shape, greenish coil of roots with a jack-o-lantern head and bright purple overalls on. He wore a matching purple newsboy hat and was spinning a a cane in his left hand. “Always pleased to meet a fine fresh lady such as yourself,” Big Poppa Pumpkin said.
“I am actually a man,”
“Not for long,” was his answer, as his carved pumpkin eye somehow winked.
Turkor continued, gesturing to his other side, “And you’re familiar with Lady Backtaschool! Every Autumn, all you little boys and girls must return to your studies!” Lady Backstaschool appeared as a completely average middle-aged woman, wearing a cardigan and horn-rimmed glasses.
“Oh, I get it. You’re the goddess who has taken on a more familiar form so that I’m not shocked by your true appearance or something, right?” I asked her. Lady Backtaschool answered “No, I’m literally just a human schoolteacher. My name’s actually Linda Reed. I was apparently the only educator who wasn’t too burned out by being underpaid and overworked to take this gig so…yay me, I guess! Here I am, a God of Autumn! Aah, crazy right. But yeah…yeah. Turkor offered me the job and it’s got a better benefits package than the state was offering, so call me Lady Backtaschool I guess!” I shook her hand and said it was nice to meet her.
“Who is that other God I see over there?” I asked, pointing to the edge of the firelight. He was a two-foot tall humanoid, pale flesh completely nude save for bundles of orange and red leaves tied like pom-poms around his wrists and ankles. His giant, manic eyes were the only feature of his face visible, as the rest was matted poofs of bright orange hair sticking out in every direction. He had been skittering about the whole time, grunting and chittering, and occasionally humping the ground.
“Oh, that’s Leaf Boy,” Turkor answered. “Just…yeah, don’t pay too much attention to Leaf Boy…” he trailed off as Leaf Boy began dragging his ass around the dirt like a dog.
“And I,” came a voice from still out in the darkness. “I am Baby Football New Year.” The speaker stepped forward to reveal himself. He was a human toddler wearing a football helmet. “And I know I am the God of Autumn you seek most.”
“Yeah, you’re right about that,” I replied. “Can you give me any insight on what’s gonna happen this NFL season?”
Baby Football New Year nodded, the heavy helmet rocking violently on the toddler’s head. “Oh indeed I can. Take heed of what I say,”
I took a pen and paper out of my pocket, noticed that Leaf Boy and the cat were both taking huge sniffs of my gas rag, and transcribed this verbatim:
NFC WEST
1. SAN FRANSISCO ILLICIT DISCO (1)
Nick Bosa just got paid $34 milly a year. That is a lot of money, but it makes sense because he’s the reigning defensive player of the year. San Fran has been very good the last few seasons, and that’s in spite of blowing a ton of draft capital on a QB they just shipped to Dallas for a song. They’re starting the literal final pick in last years’ draft over a guy they moved heaven and earth to get at pick #3 overall a few years back. Anyway, they are good this year, but next year they will have like 93% of their salary cap dedicated to just 10 players. The bill is gonna come due, so if San Fran is gonna make a title push, this the year.
2. SEATTLE SPERMBIRDS (6)
Peter Carroll will loudly smack his gum between his molars on the sidelines again this year. Don’t you love to see that? The receiver group here seems strong, but will journeyman backup QB turned comeback player of the year Geno Smith continue his career revival? Or will he, like so many other guys named Geno before him, get whacked?
3. HOLLYWOOD CURLHORNS
Hollywood! The league saw two teams move to this very large, potentially lucrative market recently. And wouldn’t you know it, the gosh darn Curlhorns were the Super Bowl Champions of the 2021 season. And just as quickly as all these Hollywood phonies found their fandom, they abandoned it and went to a Dodgers game instead. Imagine the naivete of thinking anyone here has real loyalty.
4. ARIZONA REDBIRDS
Obviously tanking. NFL teams get accused of tanking a lot, but this seems pretty blatant. They are intentionally trying to lose this year in order to have better draft picks next year, for those of you among us who are unfamiliar with what “tanking” means, and assumed it was a sex act. How else can you account for Jonathan Gannon being their new head coach? He did this: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/mM6j4qU6-ro . You tellin’ me they’re trying to win with that?!
NFC SOUTH
1. N’AWLINS PO’BOYS (4)
A weak division, an average-to-above-average QB? Call the offense with Alvin Kamara and Michael Thomas a pretty good trio. The defense has been better than you’d expect despite having few marquee players. Plus Mardis Gras man! Let’s see some TITS !!!!!
2. BARBARA STREISAND (7)
Barbara Streisand is a team that has spent first round picks on tight end, wide receiver, and runningback in recent years. This is the way to build a great Madden franchise. However, you need o-linemen, and you need defense. Then again, I will commend this team for making concessions really cheap at their stadium. I heard a beer is like $3? A hot dog is like $2? This is the most striking thing about this team.
3. CAROLINA VAGINA
A team that has licked catlike at greatness a few times, but has never quite hit that little button they’re reaching for. It’s not quite where you think. Anyway, a team in transition that could be fun come 2024.
4. CLEARWATER BEACH BUGGERERS
The Buggerers gave Tom Brady the last few years of his career, which is almost unforgiveable. He even got a Super Bowl ring. Now, thankfully, the wheel of salary cap and incompetence will sink these boats for another decade or so. Baker Mayfield is better than people think, though.
NFC NORTH
1. GREEN BAY PACKERS (3)
Once again, my joke is that this has been a pretty ho-hum offseason for Green Bay. Get it? Because like Aaron Rodgers was teasing maybe retirement and stuff and ya, oh yaaah, you get it. Uff da. Listen: Jordan Love has looked pretty dang good this preseason, and this year is an EVALUATION YEAR. I still think we’ll be competitive. But the Packers’ brass has basically said we’re just gonna see what we’ve got and go from there. The team is eating their vegetables in regard to salary cap this year. Next year, we’ll have some money and use it to complement what this team is. We are statistically the youngest team in the NFL. We are fast as fuck and nobody knows how the fuck to deal with the kind of punches we’re gonna throw. It’s gonna rule.
2. MINNEAPOLIS NORSEMEN
The 2022 Minneapolis Norsemen won 13 games and ended with a point differential of -3. That means they won 13 games, lost 4 of them, but if you add up all the points they scored and compare it to the points their opponents scored, they came up 3 short. Does that make any fucking sense to you? No. Because that has never happened before. Nothing like that has ever or will ever happen again. They won most of their games by like 1 point and lost all their games by like 39 points. They were just rolling nat 20s all season. At least CJ Ham is good. Get him more involved. Give the ball to Ham.
3. MOTOR CITY MADMEN
Motor City is the apple of the eyes of NFL media. Their head coach is like some meathead guy who says stuff like “If you put your heart out there, I’m gonna spread some Pace picante salsa on it, and I’m gonna eat it!” and the team goes “ooh-rah!” It’s all very charming in some way. They got good toward the end of last year, but if wishes were fishes we’d all cast nets.
4. GRIZZLIES
The Grizzlies chatter on Twitter is so insufferable. They view this first game against the Rodgers-less Packers as their Super Bowl. They are heavily, heavily emotionally invested. If they win, they will be ecstatic, if they lose, they will be despondent. This is the difference between a good franchise (Packers) and a shit one (Grizzlies). We don’t remember the last time the Grizzlies beat us, because it ultimately didn’t matter. We made the playoffs, they didn’t. They get tattoos referencing regular season wins.
NFC EAST
1. DALLAS STAR (2)
Micah Parsons is a singular talent. He is one of the best off-ball linebackers and also one of the best edge rushers in the league. He’s my pick for Defensive Player of the Year. The offense will run Giant Toddler Mike McCarthy’s offense well enough for a playoff berth, but then you know what happens, right. Gonna end in embarrassment.
2. PHILLY VANILLY (5)
Philly looked both sharp and tough last season, like a proverbial battleaxe that had killed a few warriors. A brain drain happened in the offseason, with coordinators and players getting scooped up by other teams. A greater factor, I think though, is that Philadelphia deserves nothing other than contempt. You’ve got your funny Charlie Day show. Be content in that.
3. NEW YORK BLUE PORK
The Dumbass, Goofy Quarterback factory called, they want your guy back.
4. D.C.F.C.
A new owner has taken control of this team. Apparently there is a petition to change the name back to that racist one that is gaining some traction. I would’ve hoped the sharp edges of time would’ve sheared you dingleberries off the ass fur of this league. Try to win some games before you start making changes. How about that? You like that?
Leaf Boy latches onto my forearm, and begins humping furiously. “Oh, hey, what?! Yuck! No! No!” I scold him, as he chitters through a toothy grin and darts off to the shadows again.
AFC WEST
1. KANSAS CITY ARROWS (2)
There’s no reason to think they’ll be any worse. Pattie O’Mahomes is the most talented football player in the world right now. Even though he’s annoying to be around. He’s always just “Let’s go, let’s go!” and “Yes sir! Yes sir!” and other Gatorade slogans amalgamated into a guy. I mean what else do you expect. This is sports. His hair looks like savory ramen noodles. And I’d like to eat them.
2. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Always a bridesmaid, never a clutch football team. What a cruelty, to be these guys. Sisyphus pushes the boulder up the hill and then gets called for a ticky-tack pass interference.
3. LAS VEGAS GAMBLERS
A marriage of Jimmy G and his old coach. Can they be the Patriots west? No. Davante Adams will still put up monster numbers and be disrespected by the mass media. His release is as filthy and ridiculous as mine when I eat at Buffalo Wild Wings.
4. SOUTH PARK COWS
Russell Wilson fucking sucks, always has. Always will. I’m glad his wife cheated on him with Bill Clinton.
AFC SOUTH
1. NORTH FLORIDA TABBIES (4)
A disastrous embarrassment for most of their existence, not dissimilar to Hillary Clinton, the Tabbies will run roughshod over this weak division. They finally have a strong architecture to support the franchise. The only weak spot is living in northern Florida.
2. TENNNESSEE POOP ‘N PEE
Derrick Henry, the monster truck made of meat, is getting old and is showing his mileage. Yes, the Steak Big-Rig may fall off this year, on account of breaking 300 tackles per year and being ground into a pulp by uncreative offensive coordinators. You know these guys lost like 7 games in a row to end last season? Ouch.
3. INDY CLOPPIN’ HOOFS
Their owner is a big pothead. He refuses to pay Jonathan Taylor, a former Wiscaaahnsin Baydger, even though he’s the best offensive player on the team. Apparently, the Packers were in on talks to trade for him. We offered to trade them AJ Dillon and a 3rd round pick for him, and they counter offered that they wanted AJ Dillon, Christian Watson, and a 1st. Yeah, like I said, pothead owner.
4. HOUSTON COW CLUTCHERS
Chewin’ cud.
AFC NORTH
1. CINCY CHILI-CATS (1)
Joe Burrow is a very precise, methodical QB. He doesn’t extend plays or do anything fancy, but the offense reminds me of the later dynasty Patriots. Just super efficient, ruthless. Your defense dies a death by a thousand cuts. 5 yards here, 8 yards there. Plus they got cute widdow stwipes on their uniforms.
2. MARYLAND BLACKBIRDS (5)
Odell Beckham is back in the league. Lamar Jackson is back after inking a mega-contract. The oft-injured superstars congregate in Maryland to dazzle for a bit before all ending up in the infirmary. Stavros Halkias will perform a bedside show in the hospital for them.
3. SHITTSBURGH IRON RODS
Mike Tomlin has famously never coached a losing season. Until now. Their secondary ought to be really fucking great, though. That should be fun to watch. God forbid they ever have to go on offense though.
4. CLEVELAND STEAMERS
Once, a likeable little teddy bear of the league. The little guy, just trying his best but still fucking sucked. Then they got a little momentum, beat the shit out of a division rival in the playoffs, and then they seemingly blew it up for no reason. Then traded a bunch of picks for a sex pervert QB and gave him a huge fully guaranteed contract. For what has a man profited if he shall gain the whole world but lose his soul? What if he gains a 3-14 season and loses his soul? Relegate these fucks to the XFL. Get ’em outta here.
AFC EAST
1. BUFFALO SOLDIER IN THE HEART OF AMERICA (3)
There’s been some yappin’ in the media that maybe their Super Bowl window has closed. That’s just silly. Josh Allen is the reincarnation of Brett Favre, but thankfully, I’ve not seen him wearing crocs. They are well coached and talented.
2. MIAMI BLOWHOLES (6)
Could be a pip if Tua Gungavajola doesn’t get his brain scrambled by an incompetent offensive line again!
3. NEW YORK 9/11S (7)
Traded for a washed up quarterback who fucking sucks and is addicted to marijuana cigarettes. Then they made him the GM of their team. Nah, I’m just kidding. I’ll watch a lot more of the New York 9/11s games this year. I’m curious. I’m not rooting against Rodgers or anything, but if the team is anything other than great, it’ll be really funny.
4. BOSTON CLAM CHOWDAHS
The great coach, The Grumpus, may have to retire after this season. He was the best of his time. This is not his time.
THE PLAYOFFZZZ
WILDCARD ROUND (WINNERS BOLDED)
BARBARA STREISAND (7) @ DALLAS STAR (2)
SEATTLE SPERMBIRDS (6) @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (3)
PHILLY VANILLY (5) @ N’AWLINS PO’BOYS (4)
NEW YORK 9/11S (7) @ KANSAS CITY ARROWS (2)
MIAMI BLOWHOLES (6) @ BUFFALO SOLDIER IN THE HEART OF AMERICA (3)
MARYLAND BLACKBIRDS (5) @ NORTH FLORIDA TABBIES (4)
DIVISIONAL ROUND
PHILLY VANILLY (5) @ SAN FRANSISCO ILLICIT DISCO (1)
GREEN BAY PACKERS (3) @ DALLAS STAR (2)
MIAMI BLOWHOLES (6) @ CINCY CHILI-CATS (1)
NORTH FLORIDA TABBIES (4) @ KANSAS CITY ARROWS (2)
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
GREEN BAY PACKERS (3) @ SAN FRANSISCO ILLICIT DISCO (1)
NORTH FLORIDA TABBIES (4) @ CINCY CHILI-CATS (1)
superb owl
GREEN BAY PACKERS (3) @ CINCY CHILI-CATS (1)
There you have it. Jordan love wins the Super Bowl in his first year as a starter. A new dynasty begins, with Green Bay winning eighty super bowls in a row.
“Wow, so that’s what happens, Baby Football New Year?” I asked, a bit amazed.
Turkor interrupted his reply, “Yes! Yes, my boy! Now get in here and give me a hug!”
And his terrible feather arms engulfed me.
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