Summer breaks like a fever, and the dewy, damp chill of Football Season reveals itself. To the novice, it seems like the new NFL year arrives, but to the Gnostics and the Salvia Divinorum veterans, we know this black stone room is and always has been, and football past and present and future exist in this stark tomb of reality. It’s been here. We’re just looking at it now.
The 2022 NFL kickoff is right around the corner, so eyeblack them cheeks, Febreze your jockstraps, and get ready to angrily yell at your TV screen like some kind of psycho! Your pets will appreciate the sudden violent outbursts with no apparent cause.
A busy offseason saw a lot of All-Pro players move to new teams. Davante “The Weasel” Adams is now a Las Vegas Raider. Tyreek Hill took his talents to South Beach. Tom “Sonkisser” Brady retired, then un-retired, then kissed his son some more. The Browns traded a king’s ransom to Houston and then gave a Sex Pervert a fully guaranteed, multi-million dollar contract. Shame. Shame on you, Cleveland. You were the plucky underdog that everybody liked, and then you kinda like…uh…enriched a Cosby guy. And Von Miller, future Hall of Fame edge rusher, jumped to the Buffalo Bills. Dude won a ring in Denver, got traded to the Rams midseason and won a ring with them, and now is on the team that everybody assumes will win a ring this year. He’s the modern mercenary defensive player that Deion Sanders laid the groundwork for. Too bad Green Bay’s winning it all this year. Let’s get into it!
AFC WEST
Las Vegas Gamblers (2)
Kansas City Arrowheads (5)
Denver Brown Cows
Los Angeles Phone Chargers Presented By Verizon
The Las Vegas Gamblers traded to acquire Davante “The Weasel” Adams, known for his weasel-like agility and weasel-like squirminess when a defender attempts to tackle him. He is reunited with his college quarterback and boyfriend, Derek Carr, and a toolsy offense with names like Darren Waller, Josh Jacobs, and Hunter Renfrow. This division is crazy good, but lady luck gives the Vegas team the win. Kansas City returns with the ketchup guzzling Muppet, Patty O’Mahomes, who is also very Irish. The humanoid walrus Andy Reid, featured in Kevin Smith’s movie “Tusk”, leads the team to a playoff berth. Denver traded a shitload of future capital for Russell Wilson. He is the most Steve Urkel like NFL quarterback. Yeah, he extends plays, and yeah, he has a big arm, but ultimately, he is a nerd. I promise you he loves The Big Bang Theory and Neil Degrasse Tyson. Fucking dork who has to be buoyed to success by a great defense. The Chargers are a trendy pick to win the Super Bowl, but I think they’re kind of a mishmash right now. Good players in a few spots, mostly bad coaching. Have you ever met a Chargers fan in your life? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis Extremely Obese Horses (4)
Tennessee Greeks
Jack Pack
Houston George H.W. Bush
Matt Ryan likes to eat filth. You know it, I know it, heck, even the gardener has an inkling about it and he doesn’t even speak English! That is a fact, but it’s also a fact that he legitimately won the league MVP award a few years back, and he’s handing off to former Wiscaahnsin Baedgyer Jonathan “Thomas” Taylor. Couple that with a stout o-line and good defensive front seven, and baby, you got a stew goin’. Tennessee similarly has an all-world runningback in Derrick Henry. He is eight feet tall, made of an alloy that has only been found in meteorites, and can speak 22 languages. King Henry will dominate while leading my fantasy football team to another championship. The rest of the team is uh, not great, though. Jack Pack was a humiliating circus of incompetence last season. Urban Meyer was their head coach. He last won notoriety as a college coach, where school name and recruiting tricks trump any actual X’s and O’s knowledge. He got fired partway through his first season in the NFL. Part of it was him skipping out on his team’s return flight after a loss (so that he could go to a bar he owns and grind on 20 something women who weren’t his wife), part of it was him physically accosting his kicker and offering the sagely, insightful coaching of “Make your fuckin’ kicks!”. They replaced him with Doug Pederson this year, so they’ll be better. They could have replaced him with a mop and done better. Houston has shed the sickness of Deshaun Watson, is now bereft of talent, and will bide their time in failure cocoon until a future date.
AFC NORTH
Cincinnati Spank-Me-Daddy (1)
Bal’Muhr Blackbirds (6)
Cleveland Steamers
Shittsburgh Powder-Milk Biscuits
Cincinnati surprised everybody last season. They all got married to each other in a 53-man polyamorous gay wedding/teambuilding event. Oh, and they also made the Super Bowl. Their poor QB, Joey “Moleman” Burrow, was sacked 7 times in the big game and they lost. Since then, they have molded great earthen golems with shields for arms to fortify the o-line. Could be a pip! The Blackbirds were wracked with injury last season, but a healthy team could wreak havoc on the wrest of the wleague. The Cleveland Steamers are shit and as I mentioned, traded their souls for a shit man. I’m surprised Matt Ryan hasn’t eaten them. Speaking of sexual assault QBs, Shittsburgh said goodbye to Ben Roethlisberger. He died after eating a bunch of scented markers, becoming sad that he couldn’t draw with the markers anymore, and then cutting open his own guts with a wakizashi in an ill-advised attempt to retrieve said markers. He will be missed by no one.
AFC EAST
Buffalo Soldiers (3)
Miami Mermaids (7)
Boston Bean-Bastards
New York 9/11s
Buffalo’s good, and all the football talking heads in the world are certainly going to let you know it. In this year’s kickoff game, the announcers were laying palm fronds at their feet and prostrating themselves before their glory. Yeah, they’re talented. But you know who else was talented? Leonardo da Vinci. Know where he is? He’s fuckin’ dead, dude. He didn’t win a Super Bowl, either. Miami is a speedy team. Lots of fast guys. Sonic the Hedgehog, the Road Runner from Looney Tunes, and Usain Bolt are their receivers. They run the risk of running TOO FAST and accidentally going back in time! It’ll be a fun family movie on ESPN+. Boston’s offense apparently looked absolutely dreadful in the preseason. The Grumpus, their dark warlock head coach, has a reputation for putting his players in a position to win no matter what, but he is maybe old and senile now. The New York 9/11s were quite bad at football last year, and already they losing starters to injury. Then again, it is New York City baby! Where else in the world can you get a slice at 3 in the morning?! Nowhere else, baby! Number one city in the world!
NFC EAST
Dallas Phallus (4)
Philadelphia Fresh Princes (5)
D.C. Redtails
New York Blue Pork
Down in Texas, we got big hats/ They hold ten gallons, and that’s a fact/ Coach Fat Mike’s got a big playbook/ sit down a spell while the baked beans cook/ Yes, down in Texas, we eat baked beans/ eat ’em so much we can’t fit in our jeans/ just take ’em off and air out yer ass/ And watch Dak Prescott throw a touchdown pass. Philadelphia has a squadron of runningbacks that they can cycle through to great effect. The pass rush could be relentless. The only way they could miss the playoffs would be if they get in one little fight and their mom gets scared and says “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” D.C. announced their new non-racist name, and mostly people think it rules! They love it! Their fans are going absolutely cuckoo! It’s bedlam in the nation’s capital! They’re tearing down the Washington Monument and they’re making love to it! Yes, in that way! Ouch! New York Blue Pork is quite bad. But hey, it’s the city that never sleeps! Where else in the world can you go to a bodega and get paper towels, bananas, and a scratcher lotto ticket all in one trip? Nowhere, that’s where! Greatest city in the world baby!
NFC NORTH
Green Bay Packers (2)
Minneapolis Norsemen
Motor City Madmen
Grizzlies
The Green Bay Packers have won 13 games every year Matt LaFleur has been the head coach. That’s dang good! Aaron Rodgers is the back-to-back MVP, making his total number of MVP awards 4! That’s dang good! Aaron “Lightning Legs” Jones and AJ “Thunder Thighs” Dillon make up one of the best backfields in the game. That’s dang good! The defense features Pro Bowlers at every level, like Kenny Clark, De’vondre Campbell, and Jaire Alexander. That’s dang good! The special teams were an abject failure last year and didn’t look any better in the preseason. That’s fucking shitty! The Minneapolis Norsemen are once again going into a season with Kirk Cousins at QB, which is like eating an unflavored rice cake for lunch every day. Sure, I guess you could, but why would you choose to put yourself through that? Motor City is rebuilding the right way. They drafted probably the best pass rusher and best wide receiver in this spring’s draft, and it’s clear these guys have bought into their coach’s vision. Can’t say I see them making the playoffs, but maybe next year? I don’t know. All I know about that city comes from Robocop and Eminem. The Grizzlies may be the worst team in the league. Like real grizzlies this time of year, they will ready for hibernation and scavenge out of trash cans and get all smelly and fat.
NFC SOUTH
Tampa Bay Boykissers (3)
Carolina Caterpillars (6)
N’awlins Po’Boys
Barbara Streisand
I spent an afternoon on a beach near Tampa this last spring. As I reclined in my chair, my feet in the sand, listening to the waves lap the shore, a seagull landed near me. “Squawk! Hi Beard Bite Man!” said the little aven fellow. “Why hello, my beaked brother. How’s the beach treating you today?” He hopped nearer me and answered “Squawk! Pretty good! I found a piece of bread by a garbage can!” I smiled, “Sounds like a great find, little one.” “Squawk! Tom Brady makes out with his son! It’s creepy and gross!” said the bird, before flapping his wings and gliding off over the water, on to other adventures. Carolina’s head coach is in a now-or-never season, having failed to reach the playoffs in either of his first two years. I think this year, they may break that spell. Why not? Baker Mayfield has been good before, Christian McCaffrey has to stay healthy one of these years, right? I’m just throwin’ it out there. N’awlins seems to be trending downward. Their longtime coach peaced out, their offense has been inconsistent, and they are constantly drunk on the field. Barbara Streisand is set to start a QB who was a benchwarmer last year. Even their own fans aren’t expecting much of anything. They are at peace with their own suckiness, like Monica Lewinsky. There we go. There’s the place to put my joke from 1998.
NFC WEST
Los Angeles Curlhorns (1)
Arizona Iced Tea (7)
San Fran Crimson ‘n Copper
Seattle Shitbirds
Well, the Curlhorns may have laid an egg in the kickoff game, but maybe they’ll make it into a football omelette, with peppers and onions and field goals too. A sprig of parsley for a garnish, and Aaron Donald going fucking crazy and trying to bash people’s heads in with helmets. What’s with that guy?! He seems like he’s become a dirty player ever since he was teammates with that old villain, Ndamakong Suh. Arizona’s diminutive quarterback, Kyler Murray, evidently had a clause in his contract specifying he had to study game film for 4 hours a week, and he couldn’t be playing video games or on his phone while he was doing it. That seems like a bad sign. Seems like little 4’10 Kyler has some growing up to do, in more ways than one. He is pretty good at football though. San Fran is making a switch at QB, so I expect their season to have more ups and downs than normal. At least I hope so. I’m sick of these jerks knocking the Packers out of the playoffs. Jerks! Seattle’s golden age is officially over, and the dark ages will soon reign. Expect bloodletting, inquisitions, and abbeys full of monks who are secretly gay with each other. A lot like Cincinnati’s football team, I guess. Kind of cute, really.
PLAYOFFS
WILDCARD ROUND
Green Bay Packers (2) beat Arizona Iced Tea (7)
Tampa Bay Boykissers (3) beat Carolina Caterpillars (6)
Philadelphia Fresh Princes (5) beat Dallas Phallus (4)
Las Vegas Gamblers (2) beat Miami Mermaids (7)
Bal’Muhr Blackbirds (6) beat Buffalo Soldiers (3)
Indianapolis Extremely Obese Horses (4) beat Kansas City Arrowheads (5)
DIVISIONAL ROUND
Green Bay Packers (2) beat Tampa Bay Boykissers (3)
Philadelphia Fresh Princes (5) beat Los Angeles Curlhorns (1)
Cincinnati Spank-Me-Daddy (1) beat Bal’Muhr Blackbirds (6)
Las Vegas Gamblers (2) beat Indianapolis Extremely Obese Horses (4)
CONFERENCE ROUND
Green Bay Packers (2) beat Philadelphia Fresh Princes (5)
Las Vegas Gamblers (2) beat Cincinnati Spank-Me-Daddy (1)
SUPER BOWL
Green Bay Packers (2) beat Las Vegas Gamblers (2)
That’s how it happens, folks. The Packers hoist the big silver trophy, Aaron Rodgers rides off into the sunset, and Jordan Love becomes the 3rd Hall of Fame Packers QB in a row. It’s not really a prediction, it has already happened. Our perception of time is a limitation of our animal brain. In your soul’s mind, you can know what is and was and shall be. It’s a closed loop. I already know I’m gonna have diarrhea tomorrow. I don’t even need to use esoteric knowledge for that though. I just ate Taco Bell!
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