2021 NFL Predictions

Greetings friends! The NFL season is so close that Biden can almost just lean in and sniff it. The leaves are already changing colors a bit and my nipples can feel a chill upon the breeze. Autumn, the time of Pigskin, has arrived.

Since last year ended with the NFL writers just recycling a couple of old storylines from the last few seasons, not much has changed in NFL Land. Pretty ho-hum offseason for the Packers. A couple of QBs moved to new teams. A draft happened. And the Washington Football Team announced that their name will be the Washington Football Team, at least for another year (How can this be so hard? Just call yourselves the SaunaBoys and get it over with!)

In the preseason, the NFL refs have been penalizing players for taunting. This is another “point of emphasis” rule thing that they seem to just throw in to ruin the first couple games every season before they eventually peter out. Usually, at least, they are at least ostensibly safety rules. Remember a few years ago when Clay Matthews kept getting HORSE SHIT penalties for…sacking a quarterback? What the HORSE SHIT was that? This new HORSE SHIT rule will I’m sure cause an untimely 15 yard penalty for a guy flexing after a 15 yard run or something. Bunch of HORSE SHIT. I don’t know why I just thought of this memory, but once I was walking across the street after a parade had gone through and I stepped in a pile of VOMIT.

This year, I’m choosing to not give specific team records, but will instead list what order each team in a division will finish. Two reasons: First, I don’t think most people are as Autis-I mean, nerdy about football enough to care about whether I think the third place team in the AFC South will have 5 or 6 wins. That’s just too much specificity! Second reason is in protest of the stupid no good seventeenth regular season game this year. The NFL owners, in their infinite greed, have decided now to go from the classic 16 game format that’s persisted for forty years, to a 17 game format. It’s dumb. Now you don’t have an even number of away and home games. Now it’s basically impossible to break even on wins and losses. I refuse to publish such ugly and ghoulish records as 13-4, or 7-10. Shudder.

Many longstanding regular season records could be surpassed just because of an extra chance at surpassing them. Maybe most people aren’t as Austi-I mean puritanical to care about this stuff, but it’s just changing it for the sake of it. Well, for the sake of being able to sell tickets and beer for one more home game every other year. These rich owners, I tell ya. Somebody ought to give them a knuckle sandwich.

Anyway, lets get into it:

NFC WEST
1st: ARIZONA BLUEJAYS (3rd seed)
Most predictions have one of the three other teams winning the west, but I like Arizona. Kyler Murray is a quick little fella with a good arm, Deandre Hopkins is one of the best WRs in the league, and the ancient flesh golem JJ Watt just arrived. I can see it all working out.
2nd: LOS ANGELES CURLHORNS (5th seed)
The legendary QB Matthew Stafford is finally where he can succeed. You know, not like in that shithole Detroit where he never had a Megatron-like receiver, or a dominant nose tackle on the defense. Anyway, the team is mostly good.
3rd: SAN FRAN RENTGOUGERS
Did you know that San Fran had a lot of injuries last year? Uh-huh. Yep. They did. It’s true. But they were in the Super Bowl the year before. That means they will contend for the Super Bowl this year, because they will have no injuries but be exactly the same team as two years ago. That’s the take all these ESPN fucking clowns have anyway. Eat my fucking bottom. Mediocre team.
4th: SEATTLE SPERMBIRDS
I long for the inevitable collapse of the Seattle team. Can you blame me? They keep drafting like shit and trading away valuable picks and somehow they string together a season that barely lands them in the playoffs. The luck has to run out. Like when my luck ran out when I kept saying “Stupidsayswhat?!” to people really fast and then someone eventually just punched me in the stomach instead of saying “What?” I just regret it was my boss.

NFC SOUTH
1st: TAMPA BAY BOYKISSERS (2nd seed)
Welp, I mean we all saw it. The Trump-friendly, son-kissing-on-the-lips-for-way-too-long guy who got caught cheating at least twice before hoisted the Lombardi Trophy last year. And this vulgar blaspheme was cheered on the ghouls in sports media, throwing palm fronds before their false Greatest of All Time QB. Be dazzled as he throws an accurate 7 yard slant! Gaze in wonderment as he bitches for a roughing the passer call on a clean hit, and gets it every time. Kali Yuga rages on.
2nd: N’AWLINS PO’BOYS
The age of Drew Brees has ended. Jameis Winston will throw probably triple the interceptions that Brees would have. But they have Alvin Kamara, who is like a jumping spider with the ball. Maybe like Nightcrawler, the X-Man. They should be a tough out, but you can’t win games when every other pass is a pick.
3rd: CAROLINA VAGINA
Interesting little rebuild going on here. I’m kind of digging the vibe. Focusing on defense in the last two drafts, but with an offensive minded head coach. I bet these guys get good in the next couple seasons. More teams should work from the ground up instead of just flailing like an epileptic carp at an undersea rave.
4th: BARBARA STREISAND
Julio Jones wanted out. Matt Ryan is 56 years old and a known corprophage. They had the #4 overall pick in the draft. Sounds like a good time to bite the bullet and start a full-blown rebuild, right? Apparently not! If I’m handing out dunce caps, these guys are first on my list.

NFC NORTH
1st: GREEN BAY PACKERS (1st seed)
I say it every year, but the Packers could win the Super Bowl this year. Really seems like it. Feels…oh…in the air? We have really good players at the following positions: QB, WR, RB, LT, LG, TE, DT, OLB, CB, FS, SS, K. That ought to be enough, right? It better be! The team is inevitably going to look a lot different next year. The clock is ticking.
2nd: GRIZZLIES (6th seed)
It was New Year’s Eve, 2012. My roommates and I were hosting a party. About a week prior, I had found the old website for the Baha Men, of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” fame. I sent an email to the address listed on their Booking page, offering them a deal. You come play a show at our New Year’s party, we give you $200 and a case of beer. They never showed. Instead a bunch of metalhead guys I’d never met showed up. It was still pretty fun.
3rd: MINNEAPOLIS NORSEMEN (7th seed)
Minneapolis? In the playoffs?! I know! I was surprised, too. But the NFC is rather top heavy. There’s only about 3-4 really good teams and there’s seven playoff spots. Hopefully we don’t let Dalvin Cook trample over us, as a horse or elephant might do.
4th: MOTOR CITY MADMEN
This team deserves no respect. No respect, I tell ya. They run the ball worse than Stephen Hawking! Their defense gets burned more than my wife’s meatloaf! Their roster has more holes than an Eyes Wide Shut masquerade party, I tell ya! No respect!

NFC EAST
1st: WASHINGTON TALL UNCLES (4th seed)
You wanna talk about a good defense? Oh, no? Well what do you want to talk about? Oh. Sexy Latinas. Of course. That’s all you ever want to talk about. Listen, you goober, I’m talking about a good defense. Great players at all levels on this D, and the offense has some intriguing pieces as well. Playing in a weak division, I expect them to run away with it.
2nd: PHILLY VANILLY
Doug Pederson, the Super Bowl winning head coach (and former Brett Favre backup), was fired because he had a bad year. Just three years removed from hoisting the Lombardi. Now they have a boyman or a manboy named Silly Serrano or something. He’s got bad facial hair and probably drinks apple juice from a spill-proof sippy cup. Speaking of baby-like head coaches…
3rd: TEXAS STARFISH
Ol’ Mike McCarthy. I’m obviously posting this after the kickoff game, which saw this team get sodomized by the refs. But it was kind of nostalgic to see a Giant Baby Mike McCarthy offense operating. Too bad the team will be hamstrung by Lich King Jerry Jones and his insistence on being the Main Decision Maker until someone finds and destroys his phylactery. It is no doubt something tasteless, like a diamond-encrusted cowboy hat or something.
4th: NEW YORK BLUE PORK
Daniel Jones was the perfect successor to Eli Manning. In the way that they are both big dumb doofuses who never fully close their mouths. Jones turned the football over, by fumble or interception, by hook or by crook, FORTY FIVE times in his first two years in the league. That’s a lot! He’s been in 32 games and he has 45 turnovers! Also he did this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrVxqBCEniI&ab_channel=SportsProductions and if that don’t make ya laugh, what will?

AFC WEST
1st: KC KETCHUP ARROWS (2nd seed)
These guys are good, and will continue to be. Seeing them in the Super Bowl would surprise no one. Andy Reid likes Uncrustables. Not much to say, really.
2nd: LOS ANGELES THUNDERBIRDS (7th seed)
I was totally wrong about young QB Justin Herbert. I looked at his college film and he looked quite bad. I dunno if the Chargers injected him with some Captain America serum in the offseason or what, but he had one of the better rookie seasons ever. Will he have a sophomore slump, or will he have a sophomore become-even-better-thing?
3rd: COLORADO HIGH HORSES
Hard to find any real position of exceptional strength on this team. Von Miller is becoming aged. Soon he will be one of those snappily-dressed old black men, who knows a lot about boxing and says things like “Yes indeed,” and “Thank ya kindly” and stuff. I wish one of my neighbors was a cool old black guy.
4th: LAS VEGAS ACES
Gettin’ to be about shit or get off the pot time for this franchise. John Gruden came back to head coaching after a ten year hiatus, during which time he said really weird commentary on Monday Night Football. This will be his third year back, and his team is not making much progress, despite being fairly strong on paper. QB Derek Carr has been so-so since his debut in 2014. If they miss the playoffs (they will), I suspect heads will roll.

AFC SOUTH
1st: TENNESSEE TEEN TITANS (4th seed)
You simply can’t bet against Derrick Henry. He’s eight feet tall, 400 pounds of dense muscle and with magma for blood. If you try to tackle him, he will break every goddamn bone in your stupid little body by sheer force of will. Also Tannehill is OK.
2nd: INDY CLOPPIN’ HOOFS (5th seed)
Pat McAffee was Indy’s punter for several years. In addition to having been one of the best punters of his era, he is a pro wrestler, a stoner, and a total chad. His podcast is great. Watch it. Oh, and Aaron Rodgers is on every Tuesday during the season for an extended interview.
3rd: HOUSTON BOOSTIN’
This team really boinked themselves in the doo-doo chute over the last few years. No cap money, no draft picks, no goddamn sense in their heads. Their QB is now in trouble for doing Cosby stuff, and they have no rookies starting. Old team of has-been and never-were vets. But maybe they’ll string together 5 wins or something. NFL is weird. I’m weird. I paint my teeth with nail polish. It makes me feel confident.
4th: JACKSONVILLE JAGOFFS
Jacksonville’s fans have really been embarrassing themselves. This team got the #1 pick in the draft, and used it on Trevor Lawrence. One of the more hyped-up prospects in recent memory. The Jacksonville fans apparently pooled money together to buy an engagement present for Lawrence and his fiance. What the fuck? Now they post things on social media like “Look at this absolute DIME thrown by Lawrence!” and it’s like an underthrown ball that the receiver has to adjust to. Like. I dunno. I think starting the year 0-6 is going to gentle them down some. I fucking hope so. Grow up you dinks.

AFC NORTH
1st: CLEVELAND ORANGES (3rd seed)
Whodathunkit? Cleveland is good. After two decades of humiliating failure, they have seemingly turned it around. No longer farting into their own mouths, they walloped their hated rival Shittsburg in the playoffs last year. The score was 28-0 in their favor after the first quarter. I bet every fan in Cleveland was creaming their jeans. This team has solid talent everywhere. Top 3 team in the AFC.
2nd: BALTIMORE CROWS (6th seed)
Their runningbacks all got hurt in the preseason. So they signed a bunch more. Some pretty good ones who were still available. The lesson? Runningbacks are expendable. Pound the rock! Who cares if they get hurt?! More Blood for the Blood God!! LET THE SLAUGHTER CONTINUE! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
3rd: SHITTSBURG STEALERS
TJ Watt, who the Packers -could- have drafted but didn’t, is an amazing outside linebacker. Does everything well. Probably will be the defensive player of the year. But we didn’t grab him. I’m sad. But also he just got a new contract where he’s getting $28 mil a season. That’s more than Aaron Rodgers. For a linebacker. I…I just don’t know about that.
4th: CINCINNATI SPANK-ME-DADDY
Um *looks around room* I don’t know what to say *looks at floor* carpet on the floor, yeah. Moving on.

AFC EAST
1st: BUFFALO YAKS (1st seed)
They made it to the AFC Championship last year, mostly because of their funslingin’, scramblin’ young QB Josh Allen. Unlike Brett Favre though, this kid doesn’t fax photocopies of his ass to the Pope, or whatever Favre did. He’s been out of the league 11 years already. Hard to believe. Time has a way of getting away from us.
2nd: MIAMI SPERM WHALES
Decent enough roster, but what exactly are they great at? I think these aquatic mammals will be competitive. I’m just not sure they are ready to take the next step yet. 2022 may be their breakthrough. 2022 will also be the year when I launch my new app. It’s going to be a point-and-click adventure where every point is a 3 cent microtransaction, and every click is 5 cent one. It’s so simple. I’m gonna make a fortune!
3rd: BOSTON FAWKIN’ WICKED RETAHDED SAWEDAS
I met a fawkin’ traveler from an antique land, who said “Two vast and wicked retahded legs of stone stand in Southie, queeah.”
4th: NEW YORK GREEN BEANS
Green is the color of envy, and this team will be plenty envious this season. Envious of every birthday clown who suffers a fatal unicycle accident. Because unlike those laffy, daffy clowns, this football team will have to live to feel the slings and arrows of their ignoble mode of being.

PLAYOFFS!!
WILDCARD ROUND!!
(Winning teams are BOLDED, duh)

MINNEAPOLIS NORSEMEN (7th seed) @ TAMPA BAY BOYKISSERS (2nd seed)
GRIZZLIES (6th seed) @ ARIZONA BLUEJAYS (3rd seed)
LOS ANGELES CURLHORNS (5th seed) @ WASHINGTON TALL UNCLES (4th seed)
LOS ANGELES THUNDERBIRDS (7th seed) @ KC KETCHUP ARROWS (2nd seed)
BALTIMORE CROWS (6th seed) @ CLEVELAND ORANGES (3rd seed)
INDY CLOPPIN’ HOOFS (5th seed) @ TENNESSEE TEEN TITANS (4th seed)

DIVISIONAL ROUND!!

LOS ANGELES CURLHORNS (5th seed) @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (1st seed)
ARIZONA BLUEJAYS (3rd seed) @ TAMPA BAY BOYKISSERS (2nd seed)
BALTIMORE CROWS (6th seed) @ BUFFALO YAKS (1st seed)
TENNESSEE TEEN TITANS (4th seed) @ KC KETCHUP ARROWS (2nd seed)

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS!!

ARIZONA BLUEJAYS (3rd seed) @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (1st seed)
BALTIMORE CROWS (6th seed) @ KC KETCHUP ARROWS (2nd seed)

SUPERB OWL LOL!!
GREEN BAY PACKERS (1st seed) @ BALTIMORE CROWS (6th seed)

And as Rodgers, Davante, and Jaire hold up that beautiful trophy, our trophy, I will run out onto the field and onto the stage. I will slap Rodgers on the back. “Goddamn it, you old son-of-a-gun. Almost didn’t think you had it in ya anymore. Hell, I thought-” and then stadium security will fracture my skull with a baton. But hey, GO PACK GO!