“Do not condescend to me, Nickelodeon,” I sneer,
As I chew my flouride tablet
over my bowl of cinnamon toast crunch
“The other kids think this fucking goop is funny, they get their kicks from it,”
I like the Adventures of Pete and Pete
I like the more adult fare
I’m 33 years old and I accidentally shit my pants while I’m smoking my morning cigarette.
“Damn,” I think.
“Went a good long time without shitting my pants. No way will that record be broken. Went about 27 years.” Thought it was a fart, 100%. Had no doubts. Then it happened.
Am I never going to shit my pants again before the age of 60? No chance. That was it. That was the non-pants-shitting record.
Back in the 90s, I sat outside, waiting for the bus to pick me up. The beautiful orange and yellow and brown leaves were frosted in little crystals. A backpack full of paper hunched my shoulders. Burnstad’s bags served as bookcovers for my schoolbooks. What was life saying back to me? I was subject to so much, very little choice. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t, except to throw some punches.
I’m 50 years old or however old I am now. I can see that I have wrinkles, and they take the shape of whatever expressions you’ve repeated. Not sure what mine are. Looks a bit like confusion, a little like concentration. Gimme something. I’ll purse my lips to taste it. I’ll suck down that Nickelodeon goop.
Something like fear keeps kettling up around my periphery, but I don’t know if that’s quite the word. Could be more like awareness, something. I think I’ve moved beyond breakfast cereals, mostly. The interstitials of Nickelodeon are laregely forgotten, but they just change shape in the firbous web that is my subconciousness. We are more input and output machines than we’d like to admit.
Olmec was the big foam head on the legends of the hidden temple. I do not yearn for those days. They were not better. I remember them. There is a difference. Throw a punch and shit your pants. It’s all good here in the present. You’re accountable to yourself.
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