Greetings, Learnstronauts! It obviously brings me no pleasure to address the accusations against Professor Howie Dewitt. This is a dark time for everyone at the Learnstronauts, LLC. family, and while I knew Howie as a pre-eminent professional, I feel that I must acknowledge the allegations against my former employer and do the work of believing women. We are temporarily suspending Howie Dewitt until further notice, pending the results of the internal investigation. Please bear with us in this time. I will be filling in for the moment, because I also have a name that is a pun.
Peter B., Age 9, from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin:
I was eating a watermelon slice and my cousin said a watermelon was going to grow in my belly if I swallowed a seed! Is this true?
Worry not, Peter. Watermelons need nutrient-rich soil and exposure to the sun to grow. Your tum-tum is safe. It’s too dark and acidic to grow a bean-sprout, much less a watermelon!
Gem T., Age 33, from Butte, Montana
Hey Howie! Long-time, first-time. What’s the biggest animal?
The blue whale is the answer. They are like a hundred feet long and packed full of fat. Longest, heaviest creatures that god ever deigned to bless us with, and they are extant in nature right now. I read something about how they once were a terrestrial animal not too dissimilar to a wolf and they were like “fuck this living on land shit, back into the ocean,”. That’s pretty cool. They are just huge, too. Have you ever seen one of those fuckers? Gigantic.
Oak J., from Two Harbors, Minnesota:
I’m infertile. I pressed my balls into a panini press back in 2004 and now I can’t have kids. Is my life worth living?
Absolutely, Oak J. You don’t need to have kids in order to matter. You’ve made your legacy a problem for your children if you need that to feel satisfied, and if you can’t make a meaningful impression on people already in your life, and instead have to imprint significance onto the captive audience of your children, I’m not quite sure you’ve got the right idea.
Yucky Booger-Man, 44, Tree City, WA:|
Howie was a fucking legend and you are a dumb slut for trying to replace him and i hate you
A surprisingly common sentiment among Learnstronauts! I have a PhD in Learnstronomics, so don’t even try to come at me. You fucking worm.
Clip McDooger, Age 42, Seneca, WA:
What is love?
Love is gentle, and it is kind. Love is a fascination with your partner, it is being enraptured with their answers to your questions. It is looking deeply into their eyes and feeling nothing like longing but more like completion. Love is the simple answer to the riddle you’ve held all your life. Love casts your heart across the lake of eternity with a hop, skip, jump, and you’re happy for it to have happened. I love being in love. Howie Dewitt was also accused of heinous crimes.
Pork P, Age 33, Lansing, MI:
I don’t understand a godamned thing about geese. Why are they flying away?
Geese fly away because it is getting too cold for them! They migrate in a way that is yet mostly unknown to humans! Magnetic leylines, compasses, eating the shit of the duck in front of them? No one knows. The geese fly in a V into the better tomorrow, so why don’t you?
That’s about all the time I have, Learnstronauts! I hope everything turns out to be above board with the bad stuff! I mean, probably not! Usually, that’s not the case! But hey, whatever. Strap on your thinking helmets and get ready to blast off into a better chapter!
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