Maths

Greetings,

I am Professor Lucas Bonehard, PhD. I hold many degrees in mathematics and physics, and have had the honor of solving a few “unsolvable” equations in my time. That being said, I still furrow my brow a bit at calculating exactly how much to tip my barista when I make the occasional foray to Starbucks. My attempt at humor. Please forgive me.

I find that people from other walks of life aren’t quite sure what to make of me when I explain my livelihood to them. Many of them will sort of rock back a bit in their stance, sort of feigning being impressed that I’m accomplished in the “hardest” of the sciences, as it were. And then, to sort of bridge the gap, they will relay to me that they are terrible at maths, and that they were too dim to find any of it engaging, and so on and so forth. They associate maths with chalkboards and a droning instructor and a sort of basic lack of humanity.

This, I feel, is one of the great injustices of our time and a fundamental failing of the Western education system. I feel very strongly about this. Maths is not boring. Maths is not some sort of dull, intellectual wankery. Our models of conveying the grandeur and very real application of maths are so wrong-headed, so basically wrong, that I feel I must make a strident declaration to the exact opposite. I will stand like Martin Luther, on Plymouth Rock, and plant the Rhodesian flag in honor of Muhammad about this.

In numbers, there is all of reality. Philosophers of all stripes ponder “Was maths invented or discovered?” I couldn’t give a damn less. The fact is: numbers are here now, and they are not dry, abstract constructs. They are viable, living, knowable personalities, and once you understand this, the schema for knowing it all is unlocked. Don’t believe me? It’s a bold claim, I acknowledge. However, try to disprove this analysis. Here are some fundamental truths about numbers.

82: This number is very chill. 82 doesn’t have big plans, doesn’t imagine itself to be anything special. However, divisible by a lot of other factors, gets along with everybody. 82 is living in a pretty nice apartment, isn’t looking to upgrade, and drives a ten year old car. You can stop on by anytime, and 82 offers you a beer and has a funny story to tell you.

40: Bit of an authoritarian, but for no good reason. Very formal, rigid. Wants everybody on time and gets pissy when they are not. But you can see through it. 40 “dresses not for the job they have, but the one they want” even at like, informal events. 40 wants to seem like they have some big project they are working on, so they’ll hint at it to you in conversation, but if you call them on it and start asking them about it, they drop it completely.

9: 9 is fucking awesome dude. Just has a really infectious vibe. Somebody who when they show up, everybody goes “Hey 9!” But doesn’t get an ego about it. 9 looks you in the eye and talks to you like you’re the only person in the room, but then they’ll just grab a guitar and start noodling some awesome Jimi Hendrix type shit in the next moment. We should hang out with 9 more.

111: Ohjesusfuck! What the fuck is that?! Ah! Is that some fucking insect or something? What the fuck?! This like, utilitarian brain that is never tired and also completely devoid of desire. Just a completely fucking evil-ah fuck, I can’t look at it anymore. Get it the fuck out of here.

6: Precocious, but a bit much. 6 is a hoot at first blush, but ends up being exhausting. Overstays it’s welcome, and you think like “Man, 6 is extroverted, but not social.”

424: A sagely number. Wise and contemplative. 424 will take a long time to speak, but when it does, it’s a very interesting story. It’s something you’ve never done, but you can relate to it. 424 may be a bit long in the tooth, but it’s got wisdom.

38: In a red dress at the end of the bar. The cloth flows around her curves. She’s smokin’ a cigarette out of one of those cigarette holders, 38 with all the body a man wants exactly where he wants it. I’m trying to hold it together but she sees me and her gloved hand beckons me over. Hubba hubba, I thinks. I follow the smoke trail of her cigarette over to her like I’m on tracks and she says to me “If a football team scores five touchdowns and makes all their extra points and also one field goal, that’s me baby!” And I loudly fart and ruin everything. But 38, if you are reading this, you are dynamite. A true queen of the neon.

4: Pretty good number. Hard worker. Keeps his nose to the grindstone. A family man. Likes to follow a routine. You’d never know that he was into pegging.

521: A complete mess. Window blinds in a trailer park, covered in cobwebs. This is just not the type of thing we want to contemplate. Like a very, very negative hippy colony. I think I hear gunfire…

8: A very bouncy number. Boing! A big piggy with a squishy belly just bounced up and said “BOING!”

5003: A free spirit. One of the last ones, really. An open road and a dream is all 5003 needs. Has a daughter that he cares for deeply, but Mom is such an obstacle. He keeps a polaroid of her taped to the side mirror of his hog as he drives that salt desert future. Heavy metal music seems to echo over the canyons as he ventures into the dark awake and unafraid.