Mitch Paulson: Welcome, football fans, to the 2012 GSFL Championship game, presented this fine Tuesday afternoon by Jiffy Lube. A raucous crowd of about 318 people have sparsely packed the bleachers here for what is sure to be a legendary confrontation between two of the best teams our league has ever produced. Your analysis, Jerry?
Jerry Joof: Well absolutely, Mitch, and I want to just first give a shoutout to the grounds crew here in Roswell. Hats off to these guys. A number of local high schoolers seemed to have had a bonfire party here last night, they burned a huge hole into the grass right at the 50 yard line, but other than it being charred black earth over about a quarter of the midfield line, you can barely notice, so hats off to those guys. And what a matchup we have today, I’m looking forward to calling this game.
Mitch Paulson: Indeed, the turf here is always a factor, mostly being loose piles of grass and straw spread over a desert. We turn now to the opening kickoff.
Jerry Joof: And this is a little bit confusing right? Because the Roswell Visitors are hosting the game, so they’re the home team. But the visitors are the Tucson Roadrunners. So if I say it’s the visitors’ ball, you might think I’m talking about Tucson, but I might actually mean the home team, the Roswell Visitors, so you just have to pay attention to the game.
Mitch Paulson: I’m already regretting drinking with you before the game, Jerry. High, booming kick and that’ll just bounce out of the back of the endzone. The Roadrunners offense gets to work, they are the visiting team, okay? Yeah. Against the Visitors defense. Christ, where’s that bottle? First and ten.
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Mitch Paulson: 3rd and 9, feels like a big play already in this one. Dontrell Fibonnaci, changing the play at the line. Saw something he didn’t like. There’s the snap and he trips and falls onto his back.
Jerry Joof: Uh-oohh…
Mitch Paulson: His own lineman stepped back, and I think-
Jerry Joof: Yep. His right guard stepped back off the snap and stepped onto his foot.
Mitch Paulson: You can see here-
Jerry Joof: Right. Right guard pops back off the snap, and his left foot just pinches Dontrell’s right onto the ground when he’s trying to drop back.
Mitch Paulson: Oh, and now when he’s trying to stand up, his pants-
Jerry Joof: Yes, the ankle of his pants is still pinned under his guard!
Mitch Paulson: His pants have just been pulled down by the waist. Pressure down around his ankle, just…oh my…
Jerry Joof: Yeah, and he doesn’t seem to notice.
Mitch Paulson: Wow.
Jerry Joof: Y’know, when the adrenaline is pumping in a championship game-
Mitch Paulson: His pants are around his ankles and everybody can see his penis. I mean, just incredible-
Jerry Joof: And it’s big!
Mitch Paulson: It is! Look at that thing!
Jerry Joof: Sideline trainers, trying to come onto the field to get his pants in order-
Mitch Paulson: He’s just walking around with a huge dong hanging out!
Jerry Joof: Well, would you expect anything else? Oh, there we go, the trainers are tucking it back in. Just confirms what we’ve all been thinking. Confidence, poise. I mean look at that thing. Here’s the replay. About as big as my forearm, I’m not even going to lie…
Mitch Paulson: 4th and 14 and the punter is jogging out onto the field.
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Mitch Paulson: 3rd and Goal, obviously a huge play in this contest as we near halftime.
Jerry Joof: Watch for them to hand it to the fullback, Alligator Micheals. He’s a goal-line specialist for them, he’s stout and compact, he-
Mitch Paulson: Oh and suddenly there’s a timeout.
Jerry Joof: Yep, you saw that too, right?
Mitch Paulson: Indeed I did, the ball was lined up on a fire ant mound, and the fire ants came out and started biting the center’s hand.
Jerry Joof: Exactly, and when you’ve got invasive insects mauling your snapping hand, you’re gonna want to call a timeout.
Mitch Paulson: You can see the ants climbing his forearm here on the replay, and I pretended like I was going to do dry January but with my life being what it is, I don’t think anyone will begrudge me for pounding this bottle of Fireball. 4th and Goal, and the field goal unit comes out…
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Mitch Paulson: 15 to 9 here, in the waning seconds of regulation, in what will surely be the end of my life if it –
Jerry Joof: All field goals today, but the Roadrunners, the visitors, are sniffing at the coochie of the Visitors’ defense.
Mitch Paulson: A touchdown and an extra point would end this, and hopefully, sever my mortal coil to this world. The Roadrunners are showing pistol formation.
Jerry Joof: Watch out for the play-action here, Dong-Bik Koon is an underrated tight end, and he’s on the outside-
Mitch Paulson: Ball is snapped, all day to throw, he’s looking, rolling right, and then he, um…
Jerry Joof: What just happened there?
Mitch Paulson: Well we’re gonna see it on the replay. Unorthodox, for sure.
Jerry Joof: Okay, so he’s running back to his right. Quarterbacks love to roll right because most of them are right-handed, right? So he moves over there and then just-
Mitch Paulson: He crammed the ball up his ass.
Jerry Joof: He did! He did a pump fake, watch this pump fake, boom! Made the middle linebacker jump and then just stuffed the ball into his pants, up his own ass, and walked rigidly into the endzone. Talk about a disappearing act! That might be the greatest play I have ever seen in my life. He’s Houdini out there!
Mitch Paulson: They’re reviewing it now, but his arm pumps out to fake a throw, and then. Wow, he subtly crams that football up his own asshole and then just walks into the endzone. Unreal!
Jerry Joof: You wanna talk about unorthodox ways to win a championship!? Is there anybody who would want it more than that?
Mitch Paulson: No. Amazing.
Jerry Joof: Well there you have it. Tim Tebow just won the championship with the Tucson Roadrunners.
Mitch Paulson: I am going to get so drunk tonight.
Jerry Joof: Same, bro. Same.
Mitch Paulson: I love you.
Jerry Joof: …okay.
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